Interviews 1.3
“Can I grab a pen and pad, too?”

“Not right. Not how you talk. Hnnn. With the other masks. They get the we.”


“The we. The editorial we. You speak to masks in the formal tone, the Fourth Estate voice.”

“Ah… so we do. Sorry, we were not prepared for this.”

“Unavoidable. Apologies. Hnnn. Can not appear in a station house. Can not risk a call.”

“I… er, WE totally understand. May we grab a pen, and writing pad?”

“No. Recorder is enough. Nothing pointed. Nothing flammable. Unacceptable risks.”

“Very well. For the record, we wish to state that we are in the basement of our own home, tied to a chair. Ah… not one of our chairs. Where did this chair come from?”

“Hnnn. Home Depot. Sturdier than your chairs. On sale.”

“Ah… of course. We are tied to a chair from Home Depot, speaking to the vigilante known as Kilroy. The conversation is being recorded digitally, with a dedicated recorder. We do have a recorder program on our phone, if you’d prefer.”

“No cell phones. Traceable. Trackable. Possibly cancerous. Recommend against them.”

“Ah, yes. We’ll consider that. So… Kilroy. This is your show. What do you want to say?”

“Hnnn… nnn. Do not know. Not a reporter.”

“You… you forced me to interview you, and you don’t have anything to say.”

“Not my job. Your job.”

“So, you want me to ask you questions?”

“Yes. Faster. Security weak, no one coming yet. But major reporter of interest. Watched, monitored. Random patrol may come by, or random hero. Twelve minutes safe, hnnn, thirteen a risk. Have used eight.”

“Of course. Well, then, let’s get to the basics. You are a wanted criminal, a vigilante who deals street justice, yet you claim to be an agent of law and order. How do you justify your actions.”

“Hnnn. No justification. Lawbreaker. Should be taken in.”

“You… you think you should be taken in?”

“Yes. Hunted. Brought down. Judged. Locked away. Hnnn. Violent offender. Likely insane. But dangerous. Maybe in Segefield. Maybe in Hexagon.”

“So, if you think you deserve to be locked up, why not turn yourself in?”

“Heroes can’t reach everyone. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Some only I can reach. Hnnn. If I stop, who catches those? No one. Unacceptable.”

“But, who will catch them if you get caught?”

“If caught, then no longer the best. Whoever catches me can catch anyone. I would not, hnnn, not be needed. Survival of the Justice.”

“So, you want to be caught, because that would mean you weren’t needed?”

“If caught by a righteous agent. If caught by evil, hnnn, my loss would be disastrous. But, also, a warning. Heroes would notice. Work together. End the greater threat. But only so long as I am best. As long as I never falter, or give up.”

“So no matter what, you should keep doing what you are doing and make every effort to avoid capture, which you deserve, because only by doing your best can you ensure your loss brings about even greater good?”

“Hnnn. Never put in those terms. Yes.”

“Isn’t that a little self-serving?”

“Yes. Likely insane. Well aware.”

“All right… let’s move on to some specifics. You are famous for spray-painting “Kilroy Was Here” wherever you take down a criminal, or even a common thug. Why?”

“Because it is unusual, and the media talks about it often.”

“Wha… ah. No. Not why are you famous for it. Why do you do it?”

“First, to mark my work. So when the day came, I could be convicted of everything. My mind, hnnn, my mind lies to me sometimes. Paint doesn’t lie.”

“You say at first. Did other reasons emerge?”

“Yes. A warning. When taking down a fence, each post is marked. The next post sees, and knows it is next. The posts shake. Boards fall lose. Fear does half the work.”

“Are… are you literally speaking about a fence?”

“No. Allegory.”

“So, the fence is… ?”

“Any group of scum. Racketeers. Cheaters. Mobsters. Corporations. Thugs. Homeowner’s Associations. Gangs. Bikers. As you mark the loss of each outer member, the inner circle sees you coming, and knows fear.”

“I’m sorry, did you say homeowner’s associations?”

“Modern cattle barons. Petty tyrants, and a common source for money laundering, extortion, and, hnnn, drugs. Many are alien fronts.”

“Do… do you have any proof of this?”

“No, Cats took it to the moon.”



“Ooooo-kay. Let’s move on. You also work with several vigilantes, the so-called Nomads, though you carefully don’t accept that you are yourself part of that group. If you deserve to be brought in as a vigilante, don’t they?”

“Most, yes. Some never break the law. Centipede. Huntsman. NIN. Maybe Tarnkappe, though he mostly likely does, just not while he is seen.”

“But the rest are lawbreakers.”

“Yes. Many times. Serious crimes.”

“But you work with them. Why not bring them in?”

“Bring in those who do more harm than good. Brought in Balefire, and hnnn, Sinstress. The rest are lower on the list. New entries higher up keep getting added before I get to them.”

“Yes you did, both after specific spectacular crimes. But… you do intent to bring the rest of them in eventually? To either hand them over to authorities, or disable them yourself as you’ve been known to do?”

“Yes. Have told them as much. Many times. Most don’t believe me. Or don’t want to.”

“While we are on the subject, why do you turn some criminals in, kill a few, and mutilate others?”

“Turn in those that can be punished by the law. Cripple those who can’t, if it will end their crimes. Kill them if nothing else works. Or if they resist so much no other option.”

“Does it bother you, deciding who lives, and who dies?”

“Hn. Not anymore. One of the most serious signs of mental illness. That and the cats.”

“Real cats, or allegorical ones?”

“Both. Time is nearly up.”

“We… understand. Very well, let’s talk about something you’ve never talked about before. How do you avoid getting caught?”

“Cautious. Smart. Not a big enough threat to enough people for the right resources to be brought in.”

“All right, sure. But, some amazingly successful heroes have stated their intent to bring you in. Anthem and Anthem Lass can both see through solid matter. How have they not identified you to sketch artists for a manhunt?”

“Can’t see through the cowl.”

“You… you mean the dirty piece of cloth you always pull over your face? That bit of worn linen can block Anthem Lass’ vision, when a solid steel door doesn’t?”


“I don’t suppose you’ll tell us how?”

“If you ask, hnn, yes.”

“Ah… very well. How? How does an apparently ordinary piece of cloth protect your identity from the heroes who can see through hundreds of feet of concrete, metal, and flesh?”

“Cowl is not one piece of cloth. Cowl is ur-rag, the perfect piece of cloth in all universes. It is the ultimate unimportant object. In every reality, in every place where choices lead to people, there is a Kilroy. We all have the cowl. Hnnn. One cowl. It makes us the same, but we are all different. We have no powers, no magic. Nothing but the cowl. Anthem looks through it, sees us all.”

“If… if that’s true it’s amazing. How did you come by the cowl?”

“Saw it, hnnn, in the gutter. Saw it for what it was, when life broke. Saw the mission. Saw the crimes. Knew I was Kilroy.”

“Very well, but, listen. You say you know you are mentally ill. You say your mind lies to you. And you have a social, unique cowl that gave you a special destiny. Doesn’t it seem more likely that you are seriously schizophrenic, and that’s all a delusion.”

“Yes, hnnn, of course. Not stupid. Except… ”

“Except what?”

“Anthem never found me. Anthem Lass doesn’t know my face. Gargoyle can’t find me. Troubleshooter can’t track me. Which is more likely — a schizophrenic no hero can catch, or a universal agent of the multiverse with destiny?”

“Um… “

“Time is up. Good interview. Do not edit it.”

“No, we won’t, of course. If we can ask just one more… “




About okcstephens

Owen K.C. Stephens Owen Kirker Clifford Stephens is a developer for Paizo Publishing, the Freeport and Pathfinder RPG developer for Green Ronin, the project manager for Rite Publishing, and the publisher and lead genius of Rogue Genius Games. Owen has written game material for numerous other companies, including Wizards of the Coast, Kobold Press, White Wolf, Steve Jackson Games and Upper Deck. He also consults, freelances, and in the off season, sleeps.

Posted on March 27, 2015, in Short Fiction and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. home depot, on sale! Home Owners Associations, Do not edit it!

    I await more and a full novel!

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