Top Ten Signs You’re in a Dungeon Designed by a Guy in his Mom’s Basement in the 1980s
Continuing the theme for the week!
10. One of the orcs has the “glaive” from Krull, another the “caber” from beastmaster, and a third has the bladed boomerang from The Road Warrior. And they all glow like the discs from TRON.
9. There’s a maze, which you have to map out every t-intersection, dead-end, and L-junction to escape. For bonus points, David Bowie is in it.
8. While there are shadows, there’s nothing else to hide in. And no real use for any other skills, of which you have 2.
7. When you’re not killing them, the monsters just hang around and talk shop or discuss the most recent episode of The Great Mordor Bake-Off.
6. If you score a critical hit, there’s a chance you remove your foe’s spleen. Even if you’re using a staff.
5. Treasure troves include an elfin mindstone, a clockwork owl, the 3-bladed sword from The Sword and the Sorcerer, a stringless bow that shoots energy arrows, the wishstones of Shannara, a sliver of the Dark Crystal, a lightsaber, an acorn of petrification, the Loc-Nar, and a map of the holes in creation that let you travel through time.
4. The entire dungeon is painted in non-photocopy blue.
3. There’s nothing for you, or anything else living here, to eat. And that seems perfectly normal and reasonable, and unlikely to cause an ecological disaster.
1. The most dangerous monster is the Dragon… from Dragonslayer. Riding an AT-AT.
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