Top Ten Signs You Are In A Horror Movie
Be on the lookout for these common signs of impending disaster.
10. There’s a creepy doll that always follows you. It’s got a ruined eye that’s always open.
9. You live in a neighborhood that is described as sleepy, untouched by time, or Castle Rock, Maine.
8. Someone went outside to take care of what should have been a minor issue, and has been gone for longer than you’d expect, but it seems perfectly reasonable for another single, solitary person to go outside to see what happened to the first person.
7. There is a persistent stain you can’t get rid of, no matter how you try. This is less about the stain than with the fact you are obsessing over it. Look, things get stained. We’re all adults. Deal with it. Bonus warning points if the stain is the color of dried blood and seems to spell something in ancient Sumerian.
6. You were mean to an old woman who tells fortunes.
5. Children are singing indistinctly in the background. Bonus warning if the sound seems to be coming from an abandoned child’s sanatorium from the 1930s.
4. Somehow, someone convinced you to stay one or more nights in an otherwise abandoned structure they inherited from a distant relative. I know housing prices are out of control, but that just means if Cousin Ida’s Quaint Cabin is empty, it’s because there’s a copy of the Splatternomicon in the basement.
3. You realize you and your four companion each represent one discrete, different archetype of annoying person audiences would enjoy seeing get killed.
2. The cat just sits in the corner, staring at you with might be pity, or might be disdain. Note that you do not have a cat.
1. There’s a local legend of a madman in the woods with unusual headgear (Halloween mask, hockey mask, welder’s mask, and a brown fedora are popular but not mandatory choices) who killed with a bladed melee weapon (axe and machete most common — bladed glove is overdone, and why can’t maniac killers ever go for a glaive-guisarme?). Bonus warning if you are part of a group researching said legend.
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