Top Ten Signs You Might Be The Chosen One

Look, we’ve all been there, trying to figure out if we are the Chosen One. Maybe we’re trying to decide if learning to speak Greek backwards while swordfighting from camelback is worth the effort. Maybe we need to know if we should pull the Scepter of Rulership from the Lake of Ill-Conceived Governmental Organization.

Maybe it’s just that our tax forms want to know our occupation.

Whatever the reason, when you are trying to decide how Chosen you may be, there are the:

Top Ten Signs You Might Be The Chosen One

10. You have visions of a giant mecha only you can pilot, an ancient sword only you can wield, a magic spell only you can pronounce, an alien army only you can command… or heck, all of the above.

9. You were born under unusual circumstances that sound like they could be spun into their own not-as-interesting prequel. Like, born during an eclipse on the side of a volcano at the exact moment the Queen of Graves was slain by Ashley Apocalypseblade.

8. There’s a prophecy about you. This is a huge giveaway… but also a crapshoot. first, prophecies about Chosen Ones are often kept from Chosen Ones for… reasons? Second, Chosen-One-Defining-Prophecies are notoriously vague. It’s almost like they’re written so after anyone does anything spectacular, you could back-translate the prophecy to make it sound like it meant them all along. (Weird, that.) Third, flattery and the Big Lie both being powerful, some people may tell you there’s a prophecy about you to get you to do what they want…. which could be something vile. So, you know, don’t do anything because you are maybe the Chosen one that you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing anyway.

7. Your name is *just* shy of sounding like a porn star name. Like Azure Bliss, or Bolt Vanderhuge.

6. You instinctively know mystic, alien, or dead languages no one has taught you. Aramaic is popular for this, but Njerep is just as good. However, if it’s Klingon or Tolkien elvish, you’re likely just the Geeky One. Esperanto only counts if you are on a world that is an endless river. Enochian could go either way. 

5. Fey folk/spirits/sentient viruses/gods casually hang out with you in your head. And, yes, this does mean that some signs of being the Chosen One are easily mistaken for signs that you need therapy. Come to think of it, most Chosen Ones could use some therapy, so just go get some whether you turn out to be Chosen or not.

4. Your early life sucks, but only if it sucks in a way that specifically prepares you for greatness. Which you almost never realize at the time, so while this technically counts, it’s not actually very useful for analytic comparison, given how many people have early lives that suck.

3. You have a birthmark, scar, or blemish that is recognizably in the shape of something cool. Bonus points if it itches during thunderstorms, or glows when undead are nearby.

2. One of your best family friends is a powerful hero who has saved the world more than once… though you just think of her as “Aunt Apocalypseblade.”

1. Joseph Campbell keeps taking notes about your life, calling it a “journey.”

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About okcstephens

Owen K.C. Stephens Owen Kirker Clifford Stephens is the Starfinder Design Lead for Paizo Publishing, the Freeport and Pathfinder RPG developer for Green Ronin, a developer for Rite Publishing, and the publisher and lead genius of Rogue Genius Games. Owen has written game material for numerous other companies, including Wizards of the Coast, Kobold Press, White Wolf, Steve Jackson Games and Upper Deck. He also consults, freelances, and in the off season, sleeps.

Posted on April 29, 2022, in Silliness and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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