Category Archives: Makes Perfect Sense

Iffy Fantasy RPG Dinners

Sometimes, you need something out of the ordinary for a fantasy RPG dinner scene.
Sometimes, you just need a laugh.

So here are the:

Top Ten Iffy RPG Dinners

10. Minos Island Oysters
“No, it’s not seafood. But it is peeled, coated in flour, pepper and salt, and deep-fried!”
9. Froghemoth Legs, or cuisses de vargouille
Served with a dipping poison, one leg serves a party of 107.
8. Akhlut Surf and Turf
“It’s a one-ingredent fusion food! Also popular with chimera crisps, griffon au grautin, and manticore fries.
7. Wolf-In-Sheep’s-Clothing- Hasenpfeffer
“It provides both the hare meat and the veggies, all in one butchering.”
8. Owlbear Mole Poblano
“No not owl-bear-mole. Mole poblano. The sauce. It really brings out the, ah… the gamy flavor of the wild mammal-and-fowl meat.”
5. Mimic Meat.
“We convinced it to be a cake before we killed it. Carb free, but tastes like chocolate icing.”
4. Blink Corn Dogs.
“Watching people try to eat them really brings a laugh to the State Fair.”
3. Gelatinous Cube Steak.
“It’s self-tenderizing. And 100% umami. And acid.”
2. Flumph Carbonara
“What? It’s clearly a Flying Spaghetti Monster!”
1. Flailscargot
“We save a lot of prep time by using a single 12-foot, 5-headed snail weighing 3,000 pounds. It DOES take a lot of butter, though.”

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Rats, Wereratrats!

Adventure idea: A community of unusually short-tailed, round-headed ratfolk (an ethnicity called ‘voles’ by other local races) who live in borrows (boroughs?) outside a major city have begun to be assaulted and driven out of local markets by rougher citizens of the city. The settlers accuse the ratfolk of theft, and desecration of several shrines within the city, saying the ratfolk move through the city’s sewers and drains, and have even been seen trying to get at children asleep in their homes.

The ratfolk proclaim their innocence, and point out they warned the city’s leaders weeks ago that wererats had been spotted in the thick brush of a nearby woods. The ratfolk believe the wererats have infected some city dwellers. The city government thinks the ratfolk are making false claims about wererats to protect some ratfolk hooligans, and thus aren’t taking it seriously.

Thus the ratfolk need help, because the wererats (who do indeed walk among them, including a few wererat ratfolk who only have a modest appearance change in hybrid form) are a demon cult who wish to summon agents of their demonic patron, a scavenger lord who spreads disease and uses vrocks as his agents. The wererats have summoned one vrock already, and want two more so they can do a dance of ruin beneath the city streets! So, the rastfolk want to hire some outsiders (the PCs) to fairly investigate.

The players must separate fact from fiction, deal with hunting down were rats both in the city sewers and hiding in plain site among the ratfllk, and ultimately deal with the apocalyptic whereat demon cult’s plans.

The name of the adventure?

“Vrock and Vole”

Simplified High-Level Pathfinder

Simplified High-Level Pathfinder

Rather than gain a new character level from 11th or higher, you simply gain the ability to potential overcome any one obstacle foe or challenge you are directly facing. Your chance is 45% +5% per level above 10th, , and each time per game session you do this your chance of it succeeding when used again that game session goes down by 10%.
Describe how you used your areas of specialty to succeed. You can use this ability no more than once per encounter. or twice per encounter if you are 15th level or higher.
Also, gain +10 hp and +.5 to all saving throws for each level above 10th.

Simplified Mythic Pathfinder

Rather than gain a new character abilities with each mythic tier, you simply gain the ability to potential overcome any one obstacle foe or challenge you are directly facing. Your chance is 50% +5% per tier, and each time per game session you do this your chance of it succeeding when used again that game session goes down by 10%. If you are only facing creatures with no mythic tiers,. or mythic tiers no greater than half your own, you gain a +25% bonus to this roll to succeed.
Describe how you used your mythic role to succeed.
You can use this ability no more often per encounter than half your mythic tier (minimum 1).
Also, gain +10 hp and +.5 to all saving throws for each mythic tier.

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Island of Misfit Magic Items

I kinda want to write an adventure set on the Isle of Misfit Magic Items.

“So you have a 9th level spell as a prerequisite. Oh! Are you a ring of wishes?”

“No!” (sobs) “I’m a ring of foresight. I’m a ring with literally the only 9th level spell no one cares about.”

“Well… at least you’re an intelligent item!”

“Not that intelligent. I can’t spell.”

“But you have a spell in you!”

“Yeah… but it’s ‘Foursight’!”

… Along with the Gem of Climbing, Cloak of Elven Strength, and Rope of Holding.

Warrior Christmas

“So what does Santa do the other 363 days a year?”
“He kills people.”
“WHAT?!?”
“Well, he mostly sends Krampus and Père Fouettard for minor wetworks, but for big targets the Kringlenator does the deed himself. Knecht Ruprecht keeps the operation’s books. That naughty list doesn’t whittle itself down you know, and if you were an immortal with perfect knowledge of people’s sins, the ability to access any stronghold, instant transportation, and limitless wealth and resources, what would YOU do with it?”
“Get laid?”
“And Mrs. Claus is a hottie, to be sure. But she can also gut a man with a cookie cutter in 5 seconds flat.”
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With Mr. Wayne’s Regards

“Yes sir, I understand. And I am very sorry you feel your previous claim for water damage wasn’t settled fairly, and I do understand your skepticism. But Wayne Insurance’s rules on this matter are very clear. Any Gotham City insurance property policy automatically covers any damage from masked malcontents and super-powered individuals or vehicles, with no deductible and no rider cost.
We’re very sorry Killer Croc shattered your windows and ripped out a wall from your apartment. It’s 100% covered. If you need a place to stay until it’s fixed? That’s covered. If you have any medical expenses related to the attack?
Completely covered.”

Fear the Duckbunny!

Hybrid animal monsters are more art than science.
Owlbear. Weird, but fine. Classic, in any case.
Hawkwolf. Maybe it has bigger front talons? Better vision in addition to scent? Otherwise hard to see how it’s much more dangerous than a wolf.
Cobratiger. Okay, that gets us someplace. Tigers are dangerous enough without being poisonous. A spitting cobratiger is extra terrible.
Sharkorpion. This has gone all the way past cool back to goofy Syfy Movie territory.
That said, it would terrify adventurers in an aquatic campaign.

Alignment is Not a Straight-Jacket

So, for some reason, if you tell some rpg players a character is lawful good, and that character is opposed to an oppressive system of laws that marginalize gnomes, there’s a subset of players who freak out because you aren’t being lawful. And if two lawful characters disagree on how to handle a tricky question of order, this is seen as a weakness of the alignment system, because it “doesn’t describe those characters properly.”
But if you tell a group of players your gnome has red hair, they normally don’t pause to ask if you mean crimson, or auburn. And if two gnomes have radically different red hair? Everyone is fine with that.

Alignment is a descriptor, not a straight-jacket. And that descriptor is a very, very simple description about some of the ways your character thinks. And because Pathfinder (and many games like it) present some non-real things like holy swords and manifest demons of carnage as rules you can interact with, those very simple descriptors are used to determine who the holy sword likes, who it hinders, and who is most damaged by the unholy aura of the demon.

But it’s still just a descriptor. And if you play someone with supernatural powers tied to how a god views you (for example), and the GM has decided the descriptor no long describes you, you may lose game powers.

But it’s still just a descriptor.

So, here’s my opinion on alignment.
For people –
GOOD – “In general I am concerned about the welfare of everyone, and the welfare of each person individually at least as I encounter them. Broadly, I prefer to use methods that keep these points in mind, and I feel the best system is a system that keeps these points in mind.”
EVIL – “In general I am concerned with what I want, and am unconcerned about the consequences to others. I may decide that a system that helps everyone is useful to me and thus support it, and I may decide that long-term goals require the suppression of immediate gratification, but overall I’ll back the thing that is most likely to give me what I want.”
LAWFUL – “I think an orderly plan is most likely to achieve my goals, and most likely to move forward the things I think are important. I am concerned that randomness and unplanned action will lead to consequences I don’t approve of. Overall if I must choose between an orderly system and one without many rules and there’s no sign that either is more likely to achieve my moral concerns (if any), I prefer an orderly system.”
CHAOTIC – “I think a loose, flexible plan is most likely to achieve my goals, and most likely to move forward the things I think are important. I am concerned that rigid regulations and rules that must be obeyed regardless of real-world circumstances will lead to consequences I don’t approve of. Overall if I must choose between a flexible system and one with rigid restrictions and there’s no sign that either is more likely to achieve my moral concerns (if any), I prefer a flexible system.”
NEUTRAL (good/evil) – “In the real world, you have to choose your battles, and there are more important issues at play than who benefits from a specific system. I have greater concerns.”
NEUTRAL (law/chaos) – “I think things are too complicated to allow yourself to trust your biases on what kinds of things will achieve your goals, and different methods are most likely to work in different circumstances. Sometimes, I don;t trust any system except that which evolves as a result of the forces involved.”
For characters with auras that are stronger than normal (generally supernaturally augmented agents of divine forces), add “This is more than my personal belief, This is the Word, and the Directive, and as much as possible I shall make it [part of who and what I am.”
For supernatural beings (such as outsiders and undead), you *may* need to add “This is the power that fuels me. It is no less real than gravity, or light, and I promote it not just for belief, but because I am this philosophy incarnate, and without it, I cease to exist as I am.”
For Paladins – “To be lawful and good is not the pinnacle of virtue. It is the beginning. I must be better than the beginning. I have been given great power by forces that wish me to not only make the world better, but also to hold to an ideal, which may be impossible. To attempt to maintain this ideal is hard. That is why I must serve as an example. I honor all the good. I respect all the law. But neither of these things is enough, and even together they represent only one step on a journey.
For Antipaladins – “Fuck it all. Burn it all. Always always, find the way to cause the most vile, anarchistic, pain. And if I can’t burn it all? They’ll burn me.”

Doyle and Houdini

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a huge supporter of Psychical Research and Spiritualism. He was convinced that in the future, everyone would accept mediums and psychic as part of the world.
He was knighted for his action in the Boer War.
Prior to WWI, Doyle foresaw war and studied German military tactics. When war broke out he tried to enlist, and when refused (he *was* 55) he began organizing civilian brigades.
Harry Houdini had faked being a Medium early in his career. When WWI broke out he tried to enlist and when refused (he *was* 43 years old), he instead entertained troops. Rumors persist he had briefly been a spy. Later in life, he spent time debunking psychics and mediums.
Doyle and Houdini were friends.
So WHY hasn’t anyone written a story or created a game setting about the Ghost Brigade, the Great War Psychic Corps of Britain and England run jointly by the Father of Detectives and the Master Escapist?!