Category Archives: Silliness

Holiday-Themed Constructs

Look, maybe you want to run a fantasy ttRPG with giant animated fruitcake warriors… and maybe you’ll just get a giggle out of my actually taking this topic seriously. But if you want to reskin some class iron, clay, and stone constructs (or any construct-type creature) into holiday-themed materials, here are some options for powers to add based on the holiday material used.

Figgy Pudding/Fruitcake: Take half damage from bludgeoning attacks. Are sticky, so they gain a climb speed.

Gingerbread: As almost 2-d, flexible creatures, they can get through spaces a creature 2 size classes smaller could, without taking any penalties. Any fire damage sets them on fire, both damaging them and causing their attacks to do fire damage.

Holly: Anyone hit by the construct, or adjacent to it for a full round, must make a mental save or move towards the person present they would be most interested in kissing (though once they take that move, all compulsion stops).

Hot Cocoa: Gains all the powers of both a fire elemental and a water elemental of the same threat level. takes double damage from bite attacks.

Peppermint: These constructs are “curiously strong.” Tracking them by scent is easy, but they cover all other scents, and after being in an enclosed space for a minute, scent can no longer pinpoint their exact location with that space.

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The Ampersand ttRPG Name Generator

Yes, it started as a joke. But I do ADORE making these, so you all get to be exposed to this overwrought exercise in my humor.

I’m not even sure why this is funny to me. Maybe the thought I would go to this much effort (hint: it wasn’t much effort) for something no one is likely to ever actually use? Also, just because you roll it up randomly here doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t already used it, so employ due diligence before you actually publish anything with a name you got here. Any similarity between randomly generated Ampersand ttRPG names and real-world copyright material or trademarks is, obviously, either unintentional, or a result of parody.

Using the Generator is simple. Roll once on Table 1, add an Ampersand (“&”), then roll ocne on table 2. If you don’t like it (“Burrows & Dynasties” sounds terrible) You should also see if a randomly-generated Ampersand ttRPG name sounds between when you reverse the two elements. I personally think “Wyverns & Warrens” sounds much better than “Warrens & Wyverns,” but your mileage may vary.

(In fact, I like Wyverns and Warrens so much I am unofficially putting my finger on it, and hoping no one else uses it before I get a chance to, or I give up on the idea.).

Table 1: Roll 1d100

01. Abattoirs

02. Abthains

03. Armor

04-05. Armsmen

06. Bacchanals

07-08. Balefire

09. Bandoliers

10-11. Barbicans

12. Basements

13. Burrows

14. Catacombs

15. Caers

16. Camarilla

17. Castles

18. Cavaliers

19-20. Caverns

21. Citadels

22-23. Crypts

24. Demagogues

25. Demesne

26. Draughts

27. Dungeons

28. Dynasties

29. Eagles

30. Ecclesiarchs

31. Eclipse

32-33. Elementals

34. Factions

35-36. Fanes

37. Fiends

38. Gates

39. Geas

40-41. Glyphs

42. Grottos

43. Guards

44-45. Harrowers

46. Heraldry

47. Inquisitors

48. Justiciars

49. Karsk

50-51. Kith

52. Knights

53-54. Labyrinths

55. Lairs

56-57. Legends

58-59. Mages

60-61. Mazes

62. Mines

63. Minions

64-65. Narthex

66-67. Naskins

68. Naves

69-70. Omens

70-71. Ossuaries

72. Parapets

73-74. Periapts

75. Quills

76-77. Realms

78-79. Runes

80-81. Sigils

82. Staves

83-84. Sword

85-86. Taverns

87-88. Temples

89-90. Towers

91-92. Tunnels

93-94. Undercrofts

95-96. Wands

97-98. Warrens

99-100. Warriors

Table 2: Roll 75

01-02. Acolytes

03-04 Abominations

05. Abraxas

06. Amulets

07-08. Arcana

09. Arachnids

10. Barghests

11. Basilisks

12-13. Behemoths

14. Bestiaries

15. Blackgaurds

16-17. Brigandine

18. Caryatids

19. Centaurs

20-21. Chimeras

22-23. Chronicles

24. Cyclops

25. Davenports

26-27. Demons

28-29. Dinosaurs

30. Dragons

31. Drakes

32. Eidolons

33. Eschaton

34. Eyries

35-36. Escapades

37. Fabulists

38-39. Familiars

40-41. Folios

42. Gargoyles

43. Ghouls

44. Giants

45-46. Goblins

47. Goety

48. Griffons

49-50. Grimoires

51-52. Harbingers

53. Haruspex

54. Heroes

55-56. Incantations

57. Incunabulum

58. Jailors

59. Jarls

60. Killers

61. Kinks

62-63. Knaves

64. Krakens

65-66. Legerdemain

67. Lexicon

68. Manuals

69. Minotaurs

70. Monsters

71. Mudlarks

72. Mystics

73. Nacre

74. Naptha

75. Nephilim

76-78. the Occult

79. Otyughs

80. Priests

81-82. Quests

83. Reliquaries

84. Rogues

85. Sages

86. Serpents

87. Shields

88. Slayers

89. Sorcery

90-92. Talismans

93. Thanes

94-95. Trolls

96-97. Uroboros

98. Warlocks

99-100. Wyverns

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Quick Epic Fantasy Franchise Title Generator

Need an epic-sounding name for your fantasy novel, adventure, game setting, heavy metal album, or just to mess with people ebcause it sounds like the name of something?

Roll 1d100 for the first word on the first column, then add “of,” then another d100 to determine the second word, from the second column.

No, “Queen of Tempests” may not be the best fantasy title out there… but there are certainly worse, and rolling that up took me all of 30 seconds.

01-02. Blood               Blood

03-05. Chronicles        Crystal

06-07. Conquest          Darkness

08-10. Destiny Death 

11-12. Empire             Demons

13-15. Forest               Destiny

16-17. Game               Dragons

18-20. Heart                Dreams

21-23. Kingdom          Dungeons

24-26. Kings               Fire

27-29. Lands               Graves

30-32. League             Ice

33-34. Legacy             Legends

25-37. Legend             Light

38-40. Lord                 Mercy

41-43. Magic               Night

44-46. Mask                Omens

47-49. Minion             Oracles

50-52. Mission            Paradise

53-55. Path                  Placename*

56-58. Queen              Rings

59-61. Quest               Roses

62-64. Record             Runes

65-67. Reign               Secrets

68-70. Shadow            Shadows

71-72. Song                 Sigils

73-74. Sword              Stone

75-77. Tale                  Storms

78-80. Talisman           Tempests

81-83. Thief                Thorns

84-86. War                  Thrones

87-89. Wheel               Talismans

90-91. Wishstones       Time

92-94. Witch               Truth

96-97. World               Vengeance

98-00. Wraith              Warcraft

*Just pick any fantasy-sounding place here. If you can’t
think of one, spell a prescription drug backward. “War of Lirponisil” is as
good as some real titles get.

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Top Ten Things Wizards Watch on Crystal Balls When They Think No One is Looking

Top Ten Things Wizards Watch on Crystal Balls When They Think No One is Looking

We know what videos people watch in the modern world. But what visions are popular in a crystal-ball enable fantasy reality? You can use this for background info in a typical fantasy game, or along with my list of Top Ten Modern Crystal Balls, or just giggle and never think about it again.

10. Cat Visions
Most of the ethereal plane is just filled with visions of cute cats. Often paranormal cats. Winged kittens playing with floating baby flumphs and chimera cubs chasing their own dragon-heads are particularly popular.
9. Critical Hit Visions
It’s often entertaining to watch heroic people to amazing things, and cheer their spectacular successes!
8. Critical Fumble Visions
But it is MUCH more entertaining to watch people accidentally hit themselves in the head with the sharpened bottom end of a gnomish hook hammer, or wrap a spiked chain around their own legs.
7. Waterfalls and Thunderstorms
A lot of mages tune in to tranquil sounds to sleep. … Others know air and water elementals want them dead, and keep a constant, paranoid watch out on any scene that might hide a rogue wave or ill wind plotting their death.
6. How-Do Ritual Demonstrations
Once you have a crystal ball, it’s a good idea to expand your repertoire of rituals… especially privacy rituals that keep other people from watching visions of your critical fumbles.
5. Reaction Visions
If you know where to watch, you can see the looks on adventurer’s faces when they discover the “white dragon” they were hunting with flaming weapons is a “wight dragon,” an undead fire dragon immune to both flame and ice.
4. Make-Up Tips
Face it, people just take mages with on-point eyebrows more seriously, and there’s a fine line between the perfect “necromancer eye” look, and people thinking you have smudged soot on your face.
3. Tick Tock
No one is sure why, but the Paraelemental Plane of Clockwork has a lot of dancing on it…
2. Previews
Okay, okay, technically this is “prognostication,” but seeing snippets of the future is just a form of previews, right?
1. Porn
Look, we all knew this was going to be #1. And if we hadn’t lumped all porn sub-genres into one category? Then the whole list would have been porn. Some extraplanar entities make a living with acts of lovemaking mortals can barely comprehend, which can only be viewed by mages who pay to know the password to scry past the “wall of pay” warding.

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Bad Ideas for TV Shows Featuring Fire Elementals

After the burning controversy over if fire elementals shouldn’t be immune to damage from fires, along with a guest blog retort with counter-proposals, I decided to go in a different (sillier) direction today:

Top Ten Bad Ideas for TV Shows Featuring Fire Elementals

10. The Larry Smolders Show
Can a fire elemental host a late-night talk and variety show? Well, with the catchphrase “I’m What’s Hot!,” Larry Smolders is sure going to try!

9. How I Met Your Tinder
A mature fire elemental explains to its offspring lil’ flames how it met the prime flammables its burned to create them. But it’s a long, twisting, story, and no one is sure what’s getting turned into coals until the last episode. And somehow there’s a dating app involved?

8. Gun’s Smoke
Marshall Ash Dillon is an Really Wild West lawman descended in part from fire elementals. He is know as having a deadly firearm… er… fire-arm, that is an arm made of fire, allowing him to shoot flaming bolts from empty revolvers if needed to enforce the law.

7. Torch Wood
Time-traveling fire elementals posing as humans pose as government agents to hunt down aliens posing as faeries posing as good Samaritans so they can turn people in rosace à l’orange.
It kinda loses the track in season 7.

6. The George Burns and Blazie Allen Show
Look, Burns and Allen are good TV, even if they are fire elementals.

5. A*S*H
Set during the Planar War, the Arcane Surgical Hospital does their best to patch up injured elementals, genies, celestials, and fiends, often with elemental doctors cauterizing wounds while trying to crack jokes to stay sane.

4. Fawlty Wiring Towers
A nasty comedy set in a hotel with an owner so cheap the wiring keeps sparking small fires… which are inevitable annoyed minor fire elementals that would rather be back in their native land than stuck burning down this moldering building.

3. Elemental
Burnlock Holmes, a fire elemental that is the greatest detective on the elemental planes, works with his assistant Waterson, to solve cross-planar crimes.

2. Burndownton Abby
In the smoldering wreck of a once-fine manor, aristocratic flame elementals ignore the fact that once the last bits of wood and cloth have been consumed, their life of consuming fine flammables will end.

1. Censor For Hire
Censor is a private detective tiny fire elemental that was part of a military Fire Team during the Planar War, who ended up on a watch list forbidding planar travel. As a result he lives in a small censor on the material plane. He is hired by other detectives (who them have to carry him around, since he can’t leave his censor), or sometimes local police, to help with cases too baffling, or too dangerous, for them to handle on their own.

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Top Ten Bad Geeky Reality Show Ideas

For no particular reason: Bad Ideas for Geeky Reality Shows!

10. Rules of the Road — A group of gamers is put together on a tour buss to hit every convention they can, with a tight budget for each of them, during the summer convention season. During each convention there are challenges to earn points, with the lowest points-earning risking elimination after each con.

9. The Ring Guild — Contestants are isolated in individual apartments, only able to communicate with each other through a horror MMORPG, the Ring. And only while actively participating in risky zones Do well in the game, and you get benefits to upgrade your apartment. If you die in the game, you are cut off from interaction for hours or, in extreme cases, days.

8. Hell’s Dev Pit — A team of professional game designers, project managers, and business experts are brought in to save a struggling game company each week.

7. Keeping Up with the Kreators — Eight professionals in the ttRPG world have cameras brought into their lives, to see what it is actually like to live the life of game creator.

6. Horror Survivor — Contestants are put up in a spooky mansion, broken into multiple secret societies, and must play a different survival horror game each night. Doing well can earn immunity, but otherwise one person from a randomly-determined secret society is voted off each episode.

5. The Curse of Pulp Genre — Cameras follow a team of creators as they try to launch a profitable pulp ttRPG line.

4. Roll of the Dice — Tabletop gamers are placed in a nonstop-conventionlike atmosphere with rooms set up with games, dice, terrain, rulebooks, and famous game designers. But if anyone is caught actually playing a game, they are kicked off the compound.

3. The Great British GameMastering Show — Britain’s best ttRPG Game Masters must create from scratch scenarios for popular ttRPGs and run them for a series of juges, with one getting eliminated each week.

2. Game Room Makeover — Each week a different gaming group’s game room is made over for function, fashion, and fun!

1. 90 Days to Air — Teams of total strangers who happen to be fans of different geeky hobbies are thrown together and must compete to have a podcast up and running within 90 days.

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Top Ten Bad Geeky Sit Com Ideas

For no particular reason: Bad Ideas for Geeky Sitcoms!

01. All in the Batman Family — The aging Dark Knight sits in a comfy chair in the Batcave and complains about vigilante kids today, the costumes they wear, and the music they listen to.

02. The Big Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Theory — A woman who is a supergenius spy with a license to kill blends in with a group of nerdy losers (who are horrible people and think they are shunned because they are geeks–rather than because they are horrible people) as her cover, and she works to figure out who set her up. And if the losers don’t grow into at least moderately tolerably members of society, she’ll literally kill them.

03. How I Met Your Mother of Monsters — Typhoeus explains to the horrors of ancient Greek Mythology how he met their mother, or mothers, during the God/Titan War.

04. Hungry Night Court — When hunters of the supernatural get hauled in for misdemeanors in the middle of the night, they face this ancient vampire judge’s court rulings.

05. King of the Silent Hill — A few hicks still refusing to leave a town that has been burning from below for a century manage to eek out a living mocking big city folk while selling occultism and occultism-related products.

06. Mahlkolm in the Middle Earth — An elven mother resists the call to Sail to the West so she can keep her sorcerous elven children from siding with the Dark One.

07. The New IT Crowd — Driven out of the home it lived under for centuries, the cosmic horror IT begins to try living below corporate America, where the employees stuck in the besement already expect their lives to be filled with horror.

08. Ork & Indy — When a hardcore 40k & Warhammer gamer moves in with a Indy Storytelling Games only player, each things the other one is a weirdo alien from another planet. But they discover they have more in common than they think when they learn that each writes the other’s favorite fanfic.

09. Soylent Green Acres — about a corporate girl who falls in love with a corpse-farmer.

10. Three’s Dark Company — Can three cultists of three different dark gods get along when they have to split a 2-bedroom apartment to make ends meet in after moving in to Arkham, Massachusetts, and telling their Innsmouth landlord they actually all worship Dagon… which NONE of them do?

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Tabletop Reality Show Pitches

Shows that focus on watching other people play games are a growing category of popular entertainment. Reality shows are already a huge hit. Surely it’s only a matter of time before we start getting tabletop game reality shows! Here are my top ten pitches, in no particular order. (I am available to exchange ideas and expertise for producer credits. 😛 )

10. Game Night Takeover: A home group with a game night that isn’t as fun as it used to be has a group of game experts come in and change how they play. The experts look at ergonomics, home rules, lighting, scheduling, personal interactions, and even run a game night for the group themselves, to show how their proposed changes make things better.

9. Sideboard: Follows professional trading card gameplayers during one season of competition. Discusses tactics, buying expensive cards, highlights rivalries among them, touches on various controversies, and includes sextions explaining gameplay.

8. Dungeon Survivor: Contestants make ttRPG characters before the show, picking the genre, concept, and game system of their preference but with no input on what kinds of games they’ll be playing. They then live together in austere conditions, playing their characters in a series of adventures run by professional GMs, with each player’s character interacting with the game within their own ruleset. Success within the game earns all contestants quality of life improvements in their living conditions. One player is voted out of the show every week by all the players. In case of a tie, some item gained within the week’s session is revealed to grant tiebreaker powers. When there are just 3 players left, all removed contestants gather to vote for one of them a the winner, who gains a financial prize.

7. Pawns Shop
People bring in old games they think are collectable and valuable, and experts from the industry and game shops break their hearts while teaching a little about the history of each game.

6. The Dice
Four professional game designers hear elevator pitches for new games from newbie designers, without getting to know anything about the new designers. Each pro then selects a team of newbies to assist throughout the season in completing their games, which are playtested by other teams.

5. Iron GM
GMs are given a series of mystery theme elements, and they have an hour to craft them into an adventure for experienced players. I mean, come on. It’s right there, ready for TV.

4. All Alone
Ten constants are put in apartments with no access to streaming services, internet, phones, television or Zoom. They get food and necessity deliveries, but can never leave or talk to anyone. Each can bring 10 game projects they mean to get done into the apartment when they start — campaigns to plan, miniature armies to paint, and so on. Their lives are broadcast to anyone who wants to watch. otherwise it’s just 2020 pandemic quarantine, as entertainment.

3. The Gamemaster
A Gamemaster with a reliable schedule, mastery of the game system everyone wants to play, complete but flexible campaign notes, great place to run games, and a game room with plenty of seating, tablespace, and light, begins with a pool of prospective players. Each week, the GM and players engage in group and single activities, such as watching movies, playing video- and boardgames, and discussing house-rules. The GM then asks all but one of the prospective players to stay by giving them a d20 in a Die Giving Ceremony. When there are just 4 players left, they then get to play a tabletop rpg.

2. The UnReal World
A group of game players with different backgrounds, experiences, and playstyles all move into the same ginormous apartment suite above a game store. Each day, they play a different tabletop game, drawn from a wide variety of genres, rulesets, eras, and types. If all the players ask one of the members to leave, that member goes. If all the players ask a type of game not be played anymore, it isn’t. The whole thing is filmed 24/7.

1. The Great British Play-Off
Twelve players are brought t the Big Dungeon, where they compete to be named Britain’s Best Role-Player. In a series of challenges, they are given elements that must be worked into ttRPG characters they design. These may include things like making paladins that aren’t annoying, designing back-stories that include a happy childhood and all parents still being alive and beloved, or characters built around unusual specific weapons (such as harmonica guns).

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New Video: Anniversaries and Vengeance

Today is my 3oth wedding anniversary with my lovely wife.

And it’s time to tell the story of my longest-delayed vengeance.

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The Gelatinous Cylinder, Part 3

Yep, yet more abilities for Gelatinous Cylinders, to round out the holiday week. Add them to the gelatinous foe of choice in your favorite d20 game. Each gelatinous cylinder can have just 1-2 abilities from this series, or you can mix and match up to all 6.

Goes Great With: Gelatinous cylinders with this ability have formed a symbiotic relationship with some other creature. The how and why of such bonding it not well understood, and even creatures that benefit from such partnering have no idea why the cylinder came to accompany them.

A gelatinous cylinder does no harm to the creature it goes great with, and can even provide air and water if the creature is within the cylinder. Additionally, the accompanying partner gets to roll all attack rolls, saving throws, and skill checks twice and take the best result when within 30 feet of the gelatinous cylinder.

Old-Fashioned: A gelatinous cylinder with this power has two forms–one the standard cylinder (which emulates the stats of a gelatinous cube), and one a more lumpy, spread-out jelly. While still bright red, in this form the gelatinous cylinder emulates the stat block of one slime, jelly, or mold selected when this ability is picked. The gelatinous cylinder can switch back and forth between the two forms at the beginning of each round as part of the first action it takes that round.

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