Category Archives: Silliness

“Oh R’lyeh?!”

I had always wondered what the HELL could cause Cthulhu* to give so much side-eye.
Cthulhu Side Eye
I now believe he had read the commends section of the Necronomicon.

“The layout of R’lyeh is so bad it’s hard not to conclude it was intentionally designed to inconvenience visitors.”

“A single read-through and I have already found five runes that would cause you to be ripped apart in the streets by invisible spirits. I am disappointed, as I (very reasonably) expected better editing from my favorite Elder God. No effort went into this.”

“I know Cthulhu may be uncomfortable discussing how chubby his tentacles are getting, but as a fan I feel I have to make sure he understands how dangerous that is for his health.”

(With much love to artist Erol Otus, and the original 1st Edition Deities and Demigods.)

The Gamer

On a warm summer’s eve
On a team bound for nowhere
I met up with the gamer
We were both too tired to sleep

So we took turns a-starin’
At the window with the forums
The boredom overtook us,
And he began to speak

He said, “Son, I’ve made a life
Out of readin’ GM’s faces
Knowin’ which big monsters
Had caught their beady eyes

So if you don’t mind me sayin’
I can see you’re out of d6s
For a sip of some Jolt cola
I’ll give you some advice”

So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
He pulled out a tablet
With a screen with a backlight

And the night got deathly quiet
And his faced lost all expression
He said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right

You’ve got to know what’s your THACO
Know who to whack-o
Know when to fireball
Or to pull a gun
You never count your gp
When you’re still in an encounter
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dungeon’s done.

(With apologies to Kenny Rogers)

 

The Old Satire Swing Out Front

So if there’s one thing I learned in RPG publishing*, it’s that your d20-based fantasy rpg publishing company needs a small, fantasy-themed, murderous creature to use as a mascot.

Sadly the obvious choices–goblins, gremlins, kobolds, the demon god Orcus–are taken.

So, that pretty much leaves us with dark creepers, dretch, mites, and orang-pendaks.

I think we can all agree mite is the “big” winner here.

Of course, that means (by law), I have to think about a free RPG day adventure** featuring Mites.

For this sort of thing, the name comes first.

Here are my current choices:

A Mite. B Giants.

Doom (The Spell) Comes to Fog-Town

The Mite-y Horde

Tick Attack

Vermins and Vigilantes

Clearly***, this is the first step to a much greater level of success for me!

*And there might not be. And this is satire. Though there still might not be.

**I only have to think about it. I don’t have to do it. which is good, since I’m not going to.

***It is not clear.

This is weird

Yes it is. I give some explanation of it on my Patreon, in a currently patron-exclusive format.

Top Ten Terrible Heroes and Hero Names

I should add writing this to my previous list.

10. Friendly Neighborhood Eviscerator

Does whatever viscera can?

9. Terror Bull

It almost works, and then your rescuer leaps toward you yelling “I’m Terror Bull!”

8. Malandragem

Yes, it SOUNDS awesome. But it’s proof you didn’t research the meaning of your hero name.

7. Battle Flying Spaghetti Monster

It almost worked for the pope, but in this context it just doesn’t make sense. I mean who is your sidekick, word salad?

6. Puce Lantern

Can be an awesome color. The name does not lend itself to striking fear in the hearts of men.

5. The Amazing Pink Fairy Armadillo

It’d be easier to call yourself “Iron Unicorn”

4. Captain Doctor

Sure, you have superhuman abilities to heal others. And the name’s format is a classic. But this one didn’t work out for you. Try Blue Cross or Caregiver or something.

3. Wobbegong-Man

Yes, a shark-themed hero seems cool. And yes, a lot of the cool shark names are already in use with other costumed character. But this is still a mistake.

2. Soviet Dodo
He’ll extinct YOU.

1. He-Shulk

Actually I’d be okay with this one – fair’s fair. Also acceptable; Palkyrie, Himazon, and Bat-Himbo.

Patreon Exclusive: DisHonorable Mentions

I put a short selection of rejected ideas for the list over on my Patreon page, for patrons.

Check it out!

Top Ten Signs Long-Term Sleep Deprivation Is Affecting You

Why no, I DON’T normally post at 7am PST…

10. You have gained a much strong understanding of what Friar’s Club Roasts, Best of the Tonight Show, and I Love Lucy Classics are available on DVD for 4 low, easy payments.

9. Also, those all sound like worthwhile uses of your time and money.

8. You really DO spend time wondering how the script for Gremlins 2 got approved.

7. You can hear time.

6. You realize you are becoming short-tempered, especially in arguments with your bowl of M&Ms.

5. You receive an Eviction Notice from the Land of Nod.

4. You keep remembering the Death of Bing Bong from inside Out, and bursting into tears.

3. You realize just how passive-aggressive it is to constantly ask who’s a good boy. The dog doesn’t need to validate your canine valuation system. Just TELL him he’s a good boy. Stand by your decision.

2. You daydream about being focused and alert enough to not daydream all the time.

1. You finally manage to have some lovely conversations and real-time chats with old friends. Who live on different continents. In time zones offset from yours by 8 to 16 hours.

Patreon

I has it.

Top Ten Signs You Are In A Horror Movie

Be on the lookout for these common signs of impending disaster.

10. There’s a creepy doll that always follows you. It’s got a ruined eye that’s always open.

9. You live in a neighborhood that is described as sleepy, untouched by time, or Castle Rock, Maine.

8. Someone went outside to take care of what should have been a minor issue, and has been gone for longer than you’d expect, but it seems perfectly reasonable for another single, solitary person to go outside to see what happened to the first person.

7. There is a persistent stain you can’t get rid of, no matter how you try. This is less about the stain than with the fact you are obsessing over it. Look, things get stained. We’re all adults. Deal with it. Bonus warning points if the stain is the color of dried blood and seems to spell something in ancient Sumerian.

6. You were mean to an old woman who tells fortunes.

5. Children are singing indistinctly in the background. Bonus warning if the sound seems to be coming from an abandoned child’s sanatorium from the 1930s.

4. Somehow, someone convinced you to stay one or more nights in an otherwise abandoned structure they inherited from a distant relative. I know housing prices are out of control, but that just means if Cousin Ida’s Quaint Cabin is empty, it’s because there’s a copy of the Splatternomicon in the basement.

3. You realize you and your four companion each represent one discrete, different archetype of annoying person audiences would enjoy seeing get killed.

2. The cat just sits in the corner, staring at you with might be pity, or might be disdain. Note that you do not have a cat.

1. There’s a local legend of a madman in the woods with unusual headgear (Halloween mask, hockey mask, welder’s mask, and a brown fedora are popular but not mandatory choices) who killed with a bladed melee weapon (axe and machete most common — bladed glove is overdone, and why can’t maniac killers ever go for a glaive-guisarme?). Bonus warning if you are part of a group researching said legend.

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Top Ten BAD Ideas for Science-Fantasy Weapons

When you mix high tech and high fantasy, all sorts of new options open up! BUT… not all those options turn out to be good ideas!

10. Atomic Grenades. A classic, and easier when you can use magical extradimensional spaces to neatly cut atoms. BUT – atomic explosions have a minimum amount of force possible: less than that and you didn’t create it through fission or fusion (magically enhanced or not). That minimum is still WAY more than you want for anything you need to throw. Minimum safe distances in miles do not go well with grenades.

.9 Underslung Spell Launchers. Oh sure, the idea of a wand or rod bolted to the bottom of a fully automatic laser rifle sounds cool at first… but who the heck ahs the skills to both lay down suppressing fire and know when to petrify the enemy? How much does it cost to reload that thing? And isn’t Gandalf dangerous enough without heavy ordinance?

8. Holy Weapons. I mean, they aren’t a bad idea for a few, specific users. But in general, you want your sci-fi weapons to be mass produced, and you don’t want that to change just because you’re adding magic to them. And does anyone *really* think there are enough holy soldier in the armies of the world to justify mass-producing these? Plus, eventually someone makes a holy hand grenade, and then the Monty Python jokes begin…

7. Earththrowers. No, not a sling, a genuine earth-thrower, that sprays a huge cone of earth, the way a flamethrower sprays a huge cone of fire. Neat huh? Well…. Not really. First, the reload tanks would make you sink like lead, and secondly once fire burns up everything, it’s gone. Earth just sits there, in huge mounds, making post-battle clean-up MUCH more expensive. And that’s not even considering the impact of creating hills around your primary target – WHY are you creating cover for the enemy? Best avoided.

6. Sonic Disruptor Axes. No sonic versions of axes. Because inevitably, someone will turn them up to “11.” Shrieking hammers are fine, however… as long as you are not prone to migraines.

5. Dancing Machine Guns. Having a sword that fights on its own is cool, so why not add that magic ability to heavy ranged weapons? Well, because machine guns already have “runaway” as an issue, and with no wielder to help take the recoil, the dance of the machine gun is too likely to involve 360-degree spins… and then everyone is a target.

4. Singularity Cannons. Yes, with enough science and magic you can create a singularity slug. But if it’s got enough gravitational pull to harm your enemies, you probably don’t want it anywhere near you, even in unfired-shell form.

3. Ghoulpikes. Oh sure, it SOUNDS like a good idea. Get an energized force pike, and mount a paralyzing ghoul hand on the end. But you know what happens when you energize a severed ghoul hand? You get charred-dead-cannibal smell, and NO ONE wants to be carrying that smell around. Also, it turns out most everyone is in armor anyway, so it’s hard to get the hand in to touch their flesh unless you shove it in a feeding port or something. Too difficult, and too disturbing if you succeed. Hard pass.

2. Vorpal Laser Pistols. So if I shoot him in the hand… his head falls off?

1. Plasma-Chuks. Look, we’re not saying laser swords make sense, exactly, but they sure seem safer than two glowing rods of death connected by a flexible joint, especially if you are expected to be able to hold those plasma-rods as part of wielding the weapon. Even if you have plasma-proof gloves (and if you do, why don’t you make ALL your clothes out of that material), it’s not a great idea to swing burning hot severing lines around your body.

Honorable Mentions: Monomolecular whip (a “finger-severing-device’), grenade of wonder, bazooka of the magi, and baleful transformation rounds (or “bunny bullets”).

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Top Ten Signs You’re in a Dungeon Designed by a Guy in his Mom’s Basement in the 1980s

Continuing the theme for the week!

10. One of the orcs has the “glaive” from Krull, another the “caber” from beastmaster, and a third has the bladed boomerang from The Road Warrior. And they all glow like the discs from TRON.

9. There’s a maze, which you have to map out every t-intersection, dead-end, and L-junction to escape. For bonus points, David Bowie is in it.

8. While there are shadows, there’s nothing else to hide in. And no real use for any other skills, of which you have 2.

7. When you’re not killing them, the monsters just hang around and talk shop or discuss the most recent episode of The Great Mordor Bake-Off.

6. If you score a critical hit, there’s a chance you remove your foe’s spleen. Even if you’re using a staff.

5. Treasure troves include an elfin mindstone, a clockwork owl, the 3-bladed sword from The Sword and the Sorcerer, a stringless bow that shoots energy arrows, the wishstones of Shannara, a sliver of the Dark Crystal, a lightsaber, an acorn of petrification, the Loc-Nar, and a map of the holes in creation that let you travel through time.

4. The entire dungeon is painted in non-photocopy blue.

3. There’s nothing for you, or anything else living here, to eat. And that seems perfectly normal and reasonable, and unlikely to cause an ecological disaster.

2. Grimtooth

1. The most dangerous monster is the Dragon… from Dragonslayer. Riding an AT-AT.

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Top Ten RPG Genre Mashups

Summer often means new game systems are released, and new major campaigns are begun. So as a nod to the new games I know people will be playing in the coming months, here is the Top Ten RPG genre Mashups!

(And the systems they should be run in)

10. Champions of Cthulu (Hero) “With great power comes great responsibility. And great madness…”

9. Greyhawk Down (1st Ed D&D and 1st Ed Top Secret) “Barony troops serving in Bright Desert announced today a MX-14 Magic Carpet was shot down by City of Brass militia forces. A rescue mission is being assembled now at the Allied Command Inn.”

8. TOON 40k (FUDGE) “It’s Rabbit Season, marine Fudd. Heretical-mad-psyker-rabbit Season.”

7. World of Spycraft (a AAA MMORPG) “Your quest, Paladin Bond, is to stop the mad orc Platinumfinger before he starts a war that could absorb all of Azeroth.”

6. ForceGhostBusters (d6 System) “What you have here is a type 6 free roaming Jedi Spirit. A real nasty one, too…”

5. Gamma World of Darkness (Storyteller) “In the Old Cities, the irradiated servants of the Wyrm seek new, untainted blood.”

4. Werewolves in the Vineyards by Gaslight (True 20) “You are a Baskerville, a holy warrior lycanthrope detective, secretly fighting to bring about the Second Reformation of England…”

3. Shadowrun 1889 (Shadowrun 4th edition with lots of house rules) “Yes, gang-colonel, the Martian Guard took your hand clean off. But no worries. We have a gearhack here who can fit you for a new phlogstronetic in no time…”

2. Car Fleet Battles (GURPS… I guess) “But we don’t… have to turn… into a vicious motorcycle gang…. TODAY!”

1. Prisiones y Dragones (Pathfinder with lots of 3pp and other d20 System bolt-ons) “¡Santos el Luchador, un lagarto del fuego ha robado el dinero del orphanage y lo ha llevado los picos de la barrera!!”

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Top Ten Things I Learned from the movie “Krull”

(And for the record, I LOVE this movie!)

10. Despite what it says in the encyclopedia, a glaive is not a single-edged, bladed polearm but instead a 5-sided throwing boomerang that not only returns when you throw it, but also makes multiple passes as a gesture-guided weapon.

9. Death and power are close cousins. And they’re from Arkansas, so sometimes they make out.

8. Moving a giant rock castle across the galaxy with no obvious propulsion? Easy. Designing reloads for three-shot blaster lances? Beyond the means of most evil tyrants.

7. Johnny Cash makes a kick-ass, if odd-looking, cyclopes.

6. There are kingly virtues other than bravery. Courtesy is one of them.

5. If you’re running across a bridge with no railing while invading an enemy castle, and foes from above start shooting at you, and you have no cover, and one of your friends is shot and falls off, the polite thing to do is come to a full stop, watch him fall and die, and then keep running. (See point 6.)

4. Some marriage rites culminate in smearing cake on your spouse, and some turn him into a flamethrower. Don’t get the two confused.

3. An ex-con killer who can only keep a single member of his small-unit army alive is a prime choice as Lord Marshal, even if he’s decided to wear manacles for the rest of his life.

2. Although the hill people “lack the power to do harm,” apparently becoming a frakking tiger and ripping things apart gets in through some sort of loop-hole.

1. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get out the word “Slayers!” when being ambushed. If you notice them first, just keep sputtering and pointing until you choke out their name. No one is going to pay any attention until you actually say something, and the slayers will wait for you to be done before they attack. (See point 5.)

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