Blog Archives

Warrior Christmas

“So what does Santa do the other 363 days a year?”
“He kills people.”
“WHAT?!?”
“Well, he mostly sends Krampus and Père Fouettard for minor wetworks, but for big targets the Kringlenator does the deed himself. Knecht Ruprecht keeps the operation’s books. That naughty list doesn’t whittle itself down you know, and if you were an immortal with perfect knowledge of people’s sins, the ability to access any stronghold, instant transportation, and limitless wealth and resources, what would YOU do with it?”
“Get laid?”
“And Mrs. Claus is a hottie, to be sure. But she can also gut a man with a cookie cutter in 5 seconds flat.”
(Do you enjoy the content on this blog? Why not become a patron, and support more free material!)

Lethal Measures

MundaneMan watched as Smart Alex neatly folded a high-thread-count sheet into a tube on her armor’s arm. She then loaded two cans of squeeze cheese into the side of the same device. Once those were in place, she ran a flexible feeding tube from the arm-cannon, under her shoulder armor, until it clipped onto the chin of her helmet, within easy reach of her mouth.

“Okay, MM. I’m ready.”

MundaneMan blinked.

“What?”

“I’m ready. Prepared. All set. We can go now. Those are perfectly mundane words, you should understand them.”

MundaneMan shook his head. “No, not ‘what did you say,’  I mean ‘what the hell are you doing?’ We’re going after Cocksure. He’s one of the most dangerous foes the Furious Folk have ever faced.”

Smart Alex nodded, grimly. “Right. And he’s bulletproof, energy-proof, super strong, and annoyingly good at Scrabble. That’s why I had to take time to prepare. I hope all of us working together can bring him down. But if not… ” she patted the sheet-and-cheese loaded cannon,” I’m ready with lethal munitions.”

“How. The. HELL. Is that thing lethal?”

Smart Alex shook her head. “I’ve told you before, it’s Trivianics. All my devices are powered by extraordinarily odd bits of information. In this case, it’s the Correlation Cannon, and my most dangerous ammunition. I’ve never actually used it before, but there’s almost no chance Cocksure will survive if I am driven to that extreme.”

MundaneMan found his jaw was slack, and closed it with a snap. He shrugged, and began walking to the FuryCar. Smart Alex fell in behind him, and he could feel her mentally replaying their stroll as a slow walk.

“No!” MundaneMan spun and pointed a finger at Smart Alex.

“I know I’m just a mundane, and you are one of the most respected of all the Furious Folk, but I just don’t buy it. There is no trivia in the world that is going to make cheese whiz lethal, unless he chokes on it!”

Smart Alex stopped, looking surprised, then shook her head. “Oh, the cheese isn’t for him. It’s for me. See, there’s a direct correlation between cheese consumption in the US and the number of people who choke to death in bedsheets. So the Correlation Cannon is designed to enforce that bit of trivia. The sheet is fired at my foes. A laser tracks it to ensure that at the exact moment it strikes, the soft cheese is forced down my throat in less than a second. This spike in cheese consumption makes the sheet lethal, just to ensure the local quantum correlation field is maintained.”

MundaneMan stared, for just a second. Then turned on one heel, and marched to the FuryCar.

Smart Alex smiled and followed, imagining what their march would look like as a slow walk.

Civic Duty

“I’d like to vote please.”
“Of COURSE you would! Do you want to try the new Baconacho Chips™ flavors, or just fill out the questionnaire?”
“I’d… ah… wat?”
“I know, right? It’s really true, ‘Baconacho Chips™ Kill Brain Cells!’ If you are just here for the free t-shirt, I can tell you what to vote for. Sriracha kale! It’s the ultimate Baconacho flavor!”
“N… no. I want to vote for president.”
“Oh. Fine. You have your digital ID?”
“Yes. Here’s my Facebook card.”
“No, this is an Amazon facility. We run Windows Extreme. You need an Amazon MeCode or a MicroChip™ ID.”
(Sighs) “No, I don’t. The law says any SmartCorp ID system works, and I use the Facebook card.”
“Yes, of course, the law says that. And you CAN vote with that ID. Just, not here. As an Amazon facility we’re not your official polling place, covered by federal election law. We offer the shuttle buses and voting options as a courtesy, but we only take Amazon MeCodes or MicroChip™ IDs.”
“Damn it. Okay, where is the actual polling place?”
“No idea. Over in the walk-ups, somewhere. You can Google it, I suppose. I mean not in here, of course, we have an Unfairaday cage. And I… I am unsure if Bing could tell you.”
“Great. Thanks for nothing.”
“You sure you don’t want to vote for your favorite Baconacho Chip™ flavor? You get a free t-shirt! And you could determine the course of snacking for the next four years!”
“No… no I wanted to vote for president… ”
“We ALSO have votes for ‘Darkest and Grittiest DC Movie,’ that comes with a custom Supermanic v. Badman ringtone, ‘What Will the Blunt Object™ be on the next season of Bachelor Nutshot™?,’ which offers a screaming bobblehead, and ‘Which is the Hottest Politician’s Wife?,’ which is at least political. AND comes with a free can of Rocky Mountain Dew!”
“NO! I just…. Huh. What flavor of Rocky Mountain Dew?”