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How The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota Saved the World

Carson pulled the twine tight, again. She walked around the enormous almost-sphere of the material, again. She pulled a new skein of twine from her coat pocket, and tied it to the end of the twine coming off the twine-ball. Again.

this won’t work, mortal

The voice was much weaker than he had been when she’d started. Good. A few more hours, and even she wouldn’t hear it anymore.

She smiled, and she began tugging, wrapping, and walking around the twine. Again.

“It will, Svarmag, thank goodness. While you deigoth can only be bound by unique memorials, they don’t have to be hanging gardens, or colossi.” She patted the oversized string ball affectionately. “Just, you know, noteworthy.”

they built the sphinx itself to bind me

Carson smiled. “And then Napoleon’s troops screwed up and let you out, I know. Though let’s be honest, if you were stored in the nose, you probably aren’t why they built the sphinx. I’d bet there were dozens of you stored in there. You were just the lucky booger who escaped.

this is not fitting. it is not permanent. it is no…

Carson felt a grin tug at her face. Oh, it would take some planning. A foundation, dedicated to the cultural impact of the ball. A little money. Some websites.

But yes. Svarmag would be bound in twine, Forever.

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Top Ten Geeky TV Series Pitches

A lot of shows got cancelled recently. That’s fine. Good, even. It’s part of the Entertainment Cycle of Life.

So, here are my top ten pitches for new Geeky TV series. Note that in many cases while I am pitching it, I’d be the WRONG person to write, direct, or produce these.

10. Nebula’s

It’s a single-room comedy… in space! Think of it as Cheers, but set at Quarks.

9. UnCivil

The US Civil War was about slavery. In a world where the heroes of the ancient world were real, and super-science and magic are just beginning to develop, this is the story of early mystery men (and women) operating during the civil war.

8. Lower Decks

The U.E.S. Topeka is the jewel of the United Earth fleet. On its upper decks negotiations decide the fate of systems, bluffs end wars, and strange creatures on contacted for the first time.

On its lower decks the sanitation systems have to be maintained, the quantum torpedoes polished, and the missing synthetics crate from storage 141 has to be found before the new official review. What goes on above deck 50 doesn’t make much difference down here.

Unless there’s a hull breach. Or a Krangin prisoner escapes. Or a visiting alien turns out to be accompanied by a vampiric slime that got into the air ducts.

Again.

7. Vigilance

A therapy group on loss decides they are tired of just mourning their dead. They have MMA fighters, engineers, paramedics, even a cop. No one of them could be a hero, but as a group? As a group they can forge one new figure to make a difference.

They can be Vigilance.

Foresee a fight? Then have one of the fighters wear the suit. Need to interrogate someone? Send the psychologist. Someone in the Vigilance suit gets hurt? Patch them up in secret at a member’s house, and send out someone else the next night.

No one has all the skills to be Vigilance. But between the twenty of them, they have this covered.

6. Lost City

Under Seattle is the famous and well known Seattle Underground.

Beneath that are the Tunnels and Cellars.

Beneath that is the Lost City. Things that have been lost, forgotten, or abandoned often end up in the Lost City. Atlantis may never have existed, but there are a few Atlanteans here. the Rat emperor is always lurking at the edges. And this is where the Sasquatch went when they were driven out of their native homes.

Debbie Darbaski’s little brother disappeared when they were children. Now a young adult she gets a letter from him, asking for help. In the Lost City.

5. Perri Hotter and the Arcane Adult Education Class

Look, not everyone in the Magic World can make it at the ivy-wand-league schools, like Warthogs, or Bullbrakes. Sometimes when you AREN’T the chosen one, your life takes an unexpected turn, and you best bet is Arcane Adult Education Class.

Of course that means if some villain DOES manage to encase all the major magic schools in dream ice, you and your evenings-and-online-classmates may the the only hope the Magic World has. And as the best-of-the-worst, everyone is looking to Perri Hotter, who was once mistaken for the Chosen One, to save the day!

Which doesn’t mean she can skip her day job, either. Saving the world doesn’t pay the bills.

4. Asmara

The year is 2100. Asmara is the major, mobile solar-system traveling space station controlled by the African Union. With unlimited solar power and self-sufficient hydroponics, it is beholden to no one, and on it cultures suppressed for millennia are having a Renaissance.

3. The Game Masters

As the world gets weirder, the governments of the world often need experts who can tell the difference between real satanic rituals, and circles taken from the Paladin Roleplaying Game. Combining esoteric knowledge, game theory, and a host of friends with weird hobbies. Han Kite, Robin Kaos, and Mike Selinker (as himself!) tackle the weird cases the more traditional agencies have thrown up their hands and given up on.

2. Ashmen

A group of US firefighters go to help with an out-of-control blaze in Europe, but are cut off and surrounded by flame. they take refuge in a root-encrusted cave, pass out, and when they wake up and come out, it’s the 9th century.

And the locals mistake them for “ashmen,” Dane raiders famous for their ash-wood ships.

They have what was on them at the time, and their collection of modern knowledge. Can they make a new life in the dim past? Can they even learn the language? And, once they befriend a local village, can they protect it from the REAL ashmen, who are coming to raid?

1. The Morrigan

Erin Gabanna always loved her grandmother, but is still shocked when she inherits everything upon her grandmother’s death. In a letter, her gran warns her that this includes the title of The Morrigan–Erin is now the harbinger of death, lady of crows and wolves, and a member of the unseelie court.

Erin will be drawn to death and war for the rest of her life, and will be hunted by the one-eyed Cuchulainn as her geas.

Erin’s grandmother hid her connection to death, but Erin is going to fight it. Or, at least, seek to bring justice to those deaths she is drawn to. In this she leans on her friends of college, which include a paramedic, a lawyer, and her best friend, a celebrity bodyguard.

The Morrigan is a murder-of-the week procedural, as Erin is supernaturally drawn to death but decides to solve these crimes on her own accord, with a running B-plot of supernatural politics with Maeb, Dagda, and other entities trying to draw Erin in as a young, inexperienced member of the court with a lot of enemies, and few allies.

Entertained by just the IDEA of these shows? Feel free to support me on Patreon!

(Want to pay me to actually work on these, or create more ideas for you? Leave me a note in the comments, or shoot me a line at owen.stephens@gmail.com!)

Ten Unlikely FOX/Disney Mash-Ups, Ranked!

So, as of today, Disney owns the FOX catalog of movies and television fiction.

Sure, that means LOTS more characters enter the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and Star Wars: A New Hope distribution rights now go back to Lucasfilm. Those are the “mainstream” stories about this merger.

But Disney had made TONS of money building linked cinematic universes and rebooting properties in the past 15 years.

So, what are some unlikely but now technically possible combinations of new FOX acquisitions and old Disney properties they could try?

Here are Ten, ranked from worst to best.

10. Program of the APES (Planet of the Apes/TRON)

When an uplifted chimpanzee finds an old, independent research facility…. Nope. I can’t do it. Some great tastes just do NOT taste great together!

9. DIE HARD Wore TENNIS SHOES (Die Hard/The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes)


The only reason this isn’t the worst idea on this list is that I COULD see a way to do this as a parody… and Program of the APES really is a worse idea.

8. Serenity Witches (Firefly/Witch Mountain)

I mean, it might be fun just to see Browncoats’ heads explode. Mal and the Serenity must help a couple of psychic kids escape their government pursuers and return to the frontier planet Witch Mountain.

7. Swiss Family Robinson ALIEN

Yes, it’s a reach, but hear me out. In the future a family of explorers, with one famous example of being stranded, get stuck when their colony ship crashes on a deserted planet. They set about trying to survive already harsh conditions, when one of the animals finds this leathery egg…

Alien is at its best as either full-on military action, or small, isolated horror. Why not try that second one again?

(But if you do… yeah let’s NOT actually mention Swiss Family Robinson)\

6. Flight of the AVATAR

Do a straight-up remake of Flight of the Navigator, but with a Na’vi kid.

This is a heartless cash grab idea. Those always do well, right?

5. My X-FILES Project (X-Files, My Science Project)

A group of teens find the junkyard where the government sticks all the alien gadgets and gizmos that were stolen away to make sure the FBI team known as the X-Files can’t prove they exist. Now the X-Files are closed down, and it’s up to the kids to use the alien tech they have recovered to investigate other strange phenomenon.

Okay… I’d at least give this one a try.

4. Predator: Black Hole

I’m not saying there’s any tonal or aesthetic justification to linking these properties. I’m just saying if I get a movie post with Maximilian facing off against a Predator, and the tagline “The Most Dangerous Hunter Needs the Most Dangerous Hunting Grounds,” with the Cygnus and a black hole in the background?

I’m in!

And no one knows what to do with either franchise, so why not give it a shot?

3. Muppet Night at the Museum

Hear me out!

All you need is for the Museum where exhibits come to life to have a travelling Muppet display be installed, and hilarity ensues! Let’s face it, Night at the Museum could use a threequel, and Disney doesn’t know what to do with the Muppets anyway. And Miss Piggy karate chopping soldiers of all eras has some promise for comedy.

2. Kingsman/Pirates of the Caribbean

Look, Disney is GOING to make more PotC movies. If one of the new characters is a tailor, who gets a huge pirate treasure an uses it to begin training other tailors as super-spies? That’s a win.

1. The Orville/The Cat From Outer Space

This one is a no-brainer, but it should also be more an Easter Egg in an Orville two-parter, or MAYBE for “The Orville The Movie.”

But you can’t convince me a race of psychic cats isn’t perfect for The Orville.

BONUS MASH-UP

Ice Age “Live Action” Remake

Ice Age lost some steam, but still has lots of fans and great actors in its key roles. Just give us photo-real CGI prehistoric beasts, and people will pack the theaters.

This is the ONE idea on this page I think has any chance whatsoever of actually happening.

(Though if Disney wants to pay me to explain how ANY of these ideas could work, I’m available!)

PATREON
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StarBarians: The Saturday Morning Campaign Hack

Welcome StarBarians! You are the heroic defenders of the world of Barbarth, the most important Science-Fantasy world in the universe! You must oppose Lichlor, the undead technomancer tyrant, and his hoard of villainous themed villains.

StarBarians is a silly, high-action campaign hack for the Starfinder Roleplaying Game.

Male Alien Thug-color

(All art by the spectacular Jacob Blackmon!)

Character creation:

You are 2nd level. You’re never going to gain any levels until the very last adventure (whenever the GM says that is), when you pop up to 4th and get a new costume! This is a fast and silly game, there’s no need to worry about things like experience points. Or continuity. Or whether your feet are in sync with the rate the ground is going by.

Before racial modifiers, your ability scores are one 18, one 16, one 14, one 12, one 10, and one 8. Alternatively you can have one 20, four 10s, and one 8, or three 14s and three 12s. Assign as desired, but if you have an 18 or 20 in any ability score, no one else should. Be adults, work it out.

You get all the benefits of any one suit of armor of your choice that is 3rd level or less. You aren’t WEARING that armor, of course. You’re a StarBarian! You run around in a fur loincloth or (for some reason) skintight Victorian suit. But you get the benefits. If you want an armor upgrade, pick it as an item below, and just strap it on. It’s fine. Jump jets over fur boots is perfect for StarBarians.

You get ONE item of your choice of 5th level or less. this is your THEMED ITEM. You can never lose it for longer than the duration of 1 fight. It should have a name. Lichlor and his minions will try to steal it periodically, They never succeed. This item can be a suit of armor if you like, in which case you get its benefits instead of your baseline 3rd level armor when you wear it.

You get THREE other items of your choice of 3rd level or less.

You get 9 other items of your choice of 1st level.

Female Alien Rogue-color

If you selected a ranged weapon, its item level is 2 lower. All weapons with usage above 1 never run out of ammo or batteries. All weapons and items with a usage of 1 or that are 1-shot count as 3 items, but are fully restored at the beginning of each game session.

Each game session you can use the StarBarian Power to do two spectacular things (two different things, one each). This is because you have a StarBarian Stone. Lichlor is always trying to steal StarBarian stones. He never succeeds, and you can’t lose yours. Ever.

Starbarian Powers are based on class, can be performed whenever an appropriate roll or even occurs, and take no time.

Envoy

Treat a failed Int/Wis/Cha skill or ability check as if you had rolled a 20 on your d20.

Allow an ally who failed any d20 roll or check to treat it as if they had rolled a 15 on their d20.

HalfDragonBard-color-01

Mechanic

Succeed at any one Engineering check

Drone: Allow your drone who failed any d20 roll or check to treat it as if they had rolled a 15 on their d20.

Exocortex: Treat any failed attack roll as if you had rolled a 15 on your d20.

Mystic

Treat any failed saving throw of yours as if you had rolled a 20 on your d20.

Restore yourself or one ally to full health, ending all conditions.

Operative

Treat a failed Str/Dec/Con skill or ability check as if you had rolled a 20 on your d20.

Force a foe who succeeded on any d20 roll or check to treat it as if they had rolled a 5 on their d20.

Kalebold-Blackie-color-02

Solarian

Take an extra round of action.

Solar Weapon: Treat any one solar weapon attack that failed as if it had automatically hit and done maximum damage. Apply any critical effect, though don’t double your damage.

Solar Armor: Negate all effects of any one successful attack against you.

Soldier

Treat any failed attack roll as if you had rolled a natural 20 on your d20.

Replace any one damage roll you make, or that is made against you, with either maximum or minimum damage (your choice)

Technomancer

Force a foe to treat any successful saving throw against an effect of yours as if they had rolled a 5 on their d20.

End any one magic or technological effect with a duration.

Villains

Lichlor is a 4th level Technomancer with a +2 bonus to every roll he makes. But he always does minimum damage, and the duration of all his effects is a maximum of 1d4 rounds. No matter how often you defeat him, he always escapes.

Robot Juggernaut-color

His Themed Minions are CR 2 NPCs. They always escape between adventures.

FGG-WMD-color-01

Special Rules

No one ever dies. If you should have died, you are just unconscious.

PATREON
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“You’re Always Aiming For Their Eyes”

“I want to aim for his eye! So I can blind him, and kill him in one shot!”

“Okay, his eyes widen as he sees your malicious intent, and he throws up a guard. Make an attack roll.”

“What modifiers for aiming for his eyes?!”

“None. You’re always aiming for your foes’ eyes.”

“No I’m not! I’m just trying to hit. I want to do a lethal blow now!”

“You’re always trying to land a lethal blow, unless you do something special not to. It’s a fight. Your character is always doing their best unless you say otherwise. Your attack rolls already represent the very best attack your character thinks can land. Of course you want to stab him in the eye, or cut off his head, or pierce his heart. And that’s represented by the existing combat rules of the game. And when the foe goes down, that is when you succeeded.”

“But maybe I can do those things before that!”

“Sure. It’s called a “critical hit.” in this game. A “stunt” or special maneuver in other games.”

“But I want a SPECIAL chance to kill him in one shot!”

“Okay. Do you want every foe you ever fight to have a special chance to kill you in one shot, too?”

“You’re no fun!”

“If you want to try to be flamboyant in your attacks because that’s fun, I am fine with that. That’s why I said he reacted to your effort. And if this attack kills him, it’ll be because you ran him through the eye, and that’ll be awesome.

If you want to have a reduced chance to be effective because of what you are trying, feel free to not use your full combat bonuses.

If you want an increased chance to be effective because of what you are trying, once I allow that why wouldn’t you always do that? And every other PC? And every NPC?”

 

TOP TEN INEVITABLE GEEK SHOWS

I haven’t done one of these for a while, so:
TOP TEN INEVITABLE GEEK SHOWS

10. The Southsons Family Park and Morty
Irreverent animated family comedy that riffs off more popular shows, while trying to create its own catchphrases and making all the same mistakes and with less original writing.

9. Preteennatural
Look, Supernatural has gone on forever, all the main characters have died (most more than once), and no spin-off has been produced. So:
Young hunky gender-swapped clones of the most popular characters–Deanne, Samantha, Charlie, and Cassielle, try to make their own path and escape the shadow of their originals.

8. GRIMLOCK
A reboot of the T-Rex Transformer as a high-functioning sociopath robot that solves crimes. Seven episodes over four years!

7. Mithral Girls
Linda Carter heads up this heroines-of-a-certain-age sitcom when powerful, confident women who saved the world in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s decide retirement isn’t the best use of their golden years.

6. Crowd Hoot
UNIT was disbanded for budgetary reasons… but not everyone is willing to leave the Earth undefended. Every time a new threat looms, rogue “Companion’s Companions” gather a different force of people who have traveled in a TARDIS before to deal with it. All under the direction of the mysterious mastermind “DN.”

5. Agents of G.O.T.H.A.M
It practically writes itself, continuity be damned.

4. Throne of Games
Political intrigue, sex, betrayal, and war as a single shared video game universe groans under the weight of Smash Brothers, Tekken, Mortal Combat, and Kingdom Hearts all fighting to control the Grid. The mash-up you never asked for!

3. The Mighty Crusaders
Heroes are big, in movies and on TV. Archie Comics characters are making a big push on TV and streaming. So doesn’t it make sense for the heroes originally written by Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel to get their own show?
The Shield, Flygirl, the Black Hood, War Eagle (if the rights can be ironed out), the Shadow (again, rights), the Comet. The Crusade starts now!

2. Star Trek: Eugenics War
After the war, the records of what happened when got badly confused. The Eugenics War is now, and Khan is Earth’s last, best hope.
I mean, it’s worth a shot…

1. CSI: Brainiac
He’s stolen cities and destroyed planets to collect all the knowledge in the universe. But there are some unsolved mysteries throughout the galaxy Brainiac can’t stand not knowing the answers to. So the all-powerful artificial intelligence has gathered the best CSIs of all worlds and sets them to solve one mystery each week.
Or else.

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Holiday Poem: The Night Before Adventure

Happy holidays all! Regular articles will return with the new year, but for now please enjoy this bit of silliness.

It was the Night before Adventure and all through the Party,

Not a Creature Was Stirring, their snores much too hearty.

No one on watch, they trusted a spell,

And if it didn’t work, their mage they’d give hell.

The steeds were all stabled, the familiars asleep,

The summoner’s eidolon made not a peep.

The rogue clad in mithral, paladin in full plate,

Knew the forces of evil would just have to wait.

When from camp’s edge there arose a loud scream,

Two boom, three zaps, and one laser beam.

“To arms” a knight screamed, to weapons they dashed,

Though the bard didn’t make it, his head was too bashed.

The wards all collapse, some hirelings did flee,

As a cyborg rust monster attacked us with glee.

“I won’t kill you all” it said in voice clipped,

“I’ll just rot your stuff, so your power is dipped.”

The adventurers all gasped, and considered the horrors,

Of loosing their status as bad-ass top scorers.

They rolled their initiative, and cast up their buffs,

And leaped up to engage in violent fisticuffs.

The monster did taunt them, and call them bad names,

As it used its evasion to dodge magic flames.

They stabbed it, and slashed it, and missiled it with magic,

Until its form was quite punctured, lifeless, and tragic.

The adventurers smiled, and kicked the dead brute,

For they knew in its lair, there was surely more loot.

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Horrifically Overpowered Star-Feats

Very soon, RGG will be releasing Starfarer’s Codex: Horrifically Overpowered Feats.

And it’s my fault.

This is, obviously, a new entry in the Horrifically Overpowered line of game supplements, bringing the world of OP to Starfinder-compatible games. And while it WILL update many of the old Pf-edition OP feats, that’s not all the book has.

Oh heavens no.

It is SO much worse than that.

“How bad could it be?” you ask. Pretty bad. game-breakingly bad. You should never allow ANY of these into your campaign.

Seriously, let me show you.

Here’s just a few examples of Horrifically Overpowered Star Feats.

Ain’t Got Time To Bleed (Horrifically Overpowered)
You can rest when you’re dead.
Benefit: As a full action, you can use any option available to you that normally takes 10 minutes. You are subject to all the other restrictions of the action (it’s fast not free, get real).

Ancestral Plasma Canon
You have an item your family has carried into star battle with star demons for star centuries.
Benefit: Select one category of item that is not consumed when it is used, such as a small arm, heavy weapon, light armor, an armor upgrade, or a technological, hybrid, or magic item. Each time you gain a new character level, this item is upgraded to any item of the same category you wish with an item level no greater than your character level +2. If the item is lost or destroyed, it or a replacement returns to you no later than the next time you gain a character level.

Resolved (Horrifically Overpowered)
No one is more resolved than you are.
Benefit: The Resolve Point cost of any ability or option that requires Resolve Points is one lower than normal for you. If that makes the Resolve Point cost 0 or less (yeah, or less—if you are allowing THIS option, who KNOWS what you’ve allowed into your campaign?!) you can still only use the ability if you have at least 1 Resolve Point remaining in your Resolve Pool.

If you want to make me stop writing such ridiculous pandering products which appeal only to power gamers and bring shame on my reputation as a professional, feel free to join my Patreon, in the hopes the money will distract me and put an end to this terrible idea.
Or… I mean back me and tell me to write more. As long as you give me money, I don;t care what you ask me to do.

TOP TEN Alternate “TPK” Terms

Sometimes things don’t go well in an RPG, and all the player characters die. This sad event is often known as a Total party Kill, or TPK.
But what ELSE could you call it, if someone asks you what your game was like the day after a wipeout?

TOP TEN ALTERNATIVES TO CALL THE GAME IF IT WAS A TPK

10. The ultimate validation of our sense that our characters faced real risks during gametime.
9. Teambuilding exercise to all travel beyond the pale.
8. Once-in-a-lifetime investment prospect involving buying a farm together.
7. Impressive group effort to push up ALL the daisies.
6. Six-way tie of the world “playing opossum” championships.
5. Story-driven opportunity for everyone to make new characters.
4. Achievement of biological function zero.
3. The “Last Stand of the Swiss Guard” memorial game session.
2. An involuntary change of the campaign to an all-outer-planes petitioners game.
1. Unscheduled playtest of the we are all dead and dying and not coming back rules.

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Words of Wisdom. Sort of.

For more than a decade now, I have been collecting the most profound things I have written online.
Here’s a sample of more than 140 of the best examples.

“Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Goblins are the screaming, burning chaos of little minds.”

A rolling d20 gathers no moss… and delays the game until it stops %*#^ing rolling!”

A picture is worth 1,000 words. A clear, accurate, useful map is priceless.

Edition Wars were BETTER back in my day!

A fool and his money are a miniatures games company’s target audience.

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. A gamer is the same, but also wants to tell your company with a decade or more of experience how you could do things soooo much cheaper.

A game worth playing, is worth playing badly, on the path to playing well.

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, I now understand why player characters often burn down kingdoms…

Better the devil you know than the one you don’t. At least then you know what bypasses its DR.

A house divided against itself cannot stand… unless that’s just step one of transforming into a robot.

A closed mouth gathers no foot. But with enough force, you can JAM one in there.

A good lawyer makes a bad neighbor, especially if actually they’re a superhero and villains keep dropping buildings on the law firm but some rubble crosses onto your property.

Editing (or being edited by) your spouse leads to a much closer understanding of each other… or divorce. There’s no middle ground there.

Theory: Sailor Moon is actually a were-sailor. She was bitten by a rabid sailor which is why she transforms into a hybrid scout/sailor form.

When you have a cat in your home, you MUST delight in every precious moment. Because one day you’ll wake up to a hairball in your eye.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Google Maps search.

*Absinthe* makes the heart grow fonder. Any other claim is a typo.

Moving is like doing homework so that you can exercise too hard in painful positions with the main reward being massive inconvenience.

What if you only lose your soul if picture’s taken while sneezing and no one says “bless you”? We’re one coincidence from zombie apocalypse!

It’s beginning to look like the term “testerical” may be my longest-lasting legacy. … I’d be okay with that.

A man cannot serve two masters. Well, he can, but it eats into Netflix time.

I plan to seed the ground above my burial site with caltrops.
So just LET my enemies dance on my grave…

I think Luke Skywalker has probably upgraded his prosthesis a few times since Empire Strikes Back. I think of that as my Personal Hand Canon.

I have no option about whether the chicken or the egg came first. I’m eggnostic.

I’m sorry the release date of the new RPG/Movie/Novel you were looking forward to got delayed, but…
Shift Happens.

I’m pretty sure my patronus is a fat badger. So far it doesn’t chase off dementors, but just kinda shows up and disapproves of them.

As a security measure, I like to keep passwords on post-it notes scattered around my desk. They just aren’t passwords I use for anything.

There are many ways in which game designers are like cats. Mostly, these are not related to being adorable.

Oh Fine. Apparently mixing dragons and turtles or dragons and lions is classic, but my Dragon Lobster is “dumb” and Dragolverinne “silly.”

If someone stabs you instead of crying out “touché!,” the correct response is to yell “Ouché!”

It’s hockey mask and machete, right? No wearing a human-flesh-face-and-chainsaw until after Memorial Day, as I recall Slasher Etiquette.

A man is known by the company he keeps. At least, he is if his company’s advertising budget is big enough.

A man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. His lawyer’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, either.

A man’s home is his castle. And the heating bills on castles are outrageous. I recommend renting a small fort or keep, instead.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to attack this stronghold, but I’ve had to reconsider every plan…
“Of COURSE you have. What do you expect from a redoubt?”

A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. A college-level course can be catastrophic.

Honesty is the best policy… but honestly how many companies do you know that actually follow their own policies?

You can’t judge a book by its cover. Sentencing is even more complex, and allows an appeal.

Familiarity breeds contempt. Familiars mostly breed with fairy-dragons. And a few imps. Maybe a brownie.

All good things must come to an end. An unfortunate number of terrible things just go on, and on, and on…

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Or at least wash it off first.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. And is it too much to ask for SOMEONE to make a salad for table 7 if we have so many damn cooks?!

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or… isn’t broke? What if it’s broke but kinda works? What if it’s not but it’s crappy. This proverb sucks

Cleanliness is not next to Godliness. Unless your dictionary only has 7 entries.

You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Unless you use an ostrich egg. Then it just takes the one.

Keeps your friends close, and your enemies closer. “Prayer” only has a 40-foot-radius.

Birds of a feather flock together. Dinosaurs of a feather engage in sudden but inevitable betrayal.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Unless it’s bulletproof glass. In that case, go ahead.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The squeaky kobold gets a fireball!

Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise. Also, it provokes attacks of opportunity.

Don’t learn safety rules on accident. I mean, that’s better than not learning them at all, but still.

The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge. Though it still doesn’t slow down dwarves at all. which explains a lot, actually.

One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time. Another is glossy magazine covers. A third is bad olives.

Your mind is like a parachute. Always pack it yourself, don’t wait too long to use it, and it’s better with a giant picture of Daffy Duck.

Dress for the adventure you want to go on, not the adventure in your zip code. As long as the adventure you want to go on is HR appropriate.

Labels are for cans, not people. Nutritional information should be universal. If you’re on a desert island you need to know who to eat first.

If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Also the forge, volcanoes, the Elemental plane of Fire, and Arizona.

It isn’t whether you win or lose that counts, it’s how you play the game. Although constantly losing may suggest you suck at playing the game.

Always get your ducks in a row. Then, one lightning bolt later, fried duck!

Wake up and smell the coffee. Because apparently you have the technology or contacts to have coffee get made while you are still sleeping.

A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? I mean, sure a houseboat, but let’s be real even most humans can’t afford a houseboat.

“Flopportunity” – A chance to make something that could be extremely unsuccessful.

“Evil Stew” – A thick soup made from everything in the house that is “about to go bad.”

Early to bed and early to rise doesn’t actually mean you’re getting any more work done.

“Like a bat out of a handbasket.”

You reap what you sow. Which means there’s a skull with a scythe and robe that’s quietly going around sowing the heck out of things.

You have to take the bad with the good. The facts of life. The facts of life.

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” but “You’re never too old to learn.” Which tells me the old dog’s teacher sucks.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. So you need two cakes, which explains the American obesity epidemic.

You can lead a horse to water. Actually, can you? I am sure a few of you can, but it’s not as common a skill as it used to be.

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. That’s just how the pyrotechnics spell works.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Play musical instruments as the place burns to the ground.

The way to a man’s is through his stomach. The way to a man’s stomach is for a facehugger to burst out of a yonic egg and mouthfuck him.

Variety is the spice of life. So it comes from worm butts on a desert planet.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Unless you are paid by the word, in which case for SOME reason, it doesn’t count. 😛

Two heads are better than one. Though an ettin is only CR 6 and a hill giant is CR 7, so maybe one head is actually better.

Too many chefs spoil the soup, but not enough chefs ruin the restaurant.

There’s no fool like an old fool. Well, except a young fool which, just by process of basic logic, we can determine has some similarities.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but less than three to pet their belly.

There is no honor among thieves. Which may be true, but my MAIN issue with them is that they steal things.

Strike while the iron is hot. It’s more likely to give into your union demands if it’s uncomfortable.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, but the squeaky mouse gets eaten by the cat.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And bad intentions. And anything else the devil can get his hands on, he’s a pragmatist.

Rome was not built in a day. But it sure burned down fast.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. The proof of the pie is in the radius.

Keep the home fires burning. That way your enemies have no place to sleep or change their shoes.

Practice makes perfect. I suspect that’s why so many doctors and lawyers think they’re perfect.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Which is why the Devil’s Advocate is such a good lawyer,

The pen is mightier than the sword. But not the vorpal sword.

One swallow does not a summer make. Which is either profound on a ‘winter is coming” level, or the tagline for bad porn.

One man’s gravy is another man’s poison. Especially with Vishkanya. Though “Vishkanya Gravy” sounds like a nasty euphemism

One good turn deserves another, but you’re just as likely to roll a 1 next turn.

Old habits die hard. I think they’re mostly worn by vampire nuns and you have to stuff holy wafers in their hems after you deravelcate them.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Which I think means all venturing is painful, according to that other proverb…

Nothing hurts like the truth. Especially +1 keen flaming truth.

No pain, no gain. Of course there’s plenty of pain that ALSO produced no gain, so fuck that.

No news is good news.

No, seriously, nowadays none of the news is good.

Necessity is the mother of invention. But does invention ever call? Ever write? Nooooooooo…

Money doesn’t grow on tree. Except black walnut. Those things are cash cows.

Misery loves company. But honestly most company is kinda sick of misery.

A man is known by the company he keeps. Unless they’re idiots and never noticed him.

Look before you leap. It’s nice to at least know where you are going to go splat.

Love is blind. Love makes the world go ’round. Which may explain why we seem to be headed to hell in a handbasket.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place. Because if your enemies line up for a lightning bolt, they quickly learn to spread out.

A leopard can’t change its spots. A cuttlefish can. A cuttlepard is CR 5.

It takes two to tango. Also, to flank.

Man does not live by bread alone. Normally he’s also near some other stuff. Maybe a chair, or a tree.

Good things come in small packages. So do evil things. Package size is a terrible gauge for moral value.

Don’t judge a book by its cover – there are critics that will do it for you.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. You’ll get your tears in it and make it salty.

Blood is thicker than water, and harder to get out of the carpet.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but the CR isn’t as high.

Clothes make the man. A woman probably made the clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the generic non-IP floating eye-monster with ray attacks.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. That’s what catapults are for!

Actions speak louder than words. Full-round actions, especially.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Unless it’s the heart that’s absent, which makes the body grow colder.

A watched pot will not toke.

A lion won’t eat where it sleeps, but a spider must. A spiderlion is CR 5.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Or a teleport spell. Plane shift works, too. Or just summon giant eagles.

If you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. Unless what you love is working, in which case apparently you’re screwed.

The friends of our friends are our friends. Except Arlo. Fuck that guy.

A single stick is easily broken. A bundle of sticks is difficult to break. A stick golem is CR 5.

War has no eyes, and justice is blind. Leaving both vulnerable to sneak attack.

If you use your wealth, it diminishes. If you use your wits, they expand. If you use the critical hit deck, you lose a hand.

The foolish build walls. The wise build bridges. The wizard builds a staff of blasting.

The idiotic speak. The wise listen. The rogue rolls for initiative.

Wisdom is like a baobab tree; no one individual can embrace it. But you CAN tongue-kiss it.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, bring a cleric. And a summoner, preferably with one of the broken archetypes.

“If you wait long enough by the riverbank, the bodies of your enemies will float by. But writers don’t have that kind of time.

Can you imagine if dead souls had access to social media?
“Still in Limbo. Working off sins of things I did when I was, like, 8. Really??”

Hcum gnihton spelled backwards is nothing much.

The Black Pudding is not NEARLY as evil, NOR as moist, as the Ochre Bunt Cake!

People need priorities.
Arguing about a game online with people who don’t even play with you should never be at the top.

Go home spellchecker. Your drank.

Any popular game that has human interpretation of rules is inevitably going to have people bitch about how those rules are interpreted.

I am well aware that nearly everything I do could be done by a million monkeys pounding on a million typewriters.
As a result, my career is based in large part on flinging less poo than they would.

Mint absinthe. It’s the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.

“I kept thinking a shark fin was following me, but it was just a fluke.”

Never complain about anyone but yourself. And your dice. And fascists, because frak them.

A clean conscience makes a soft pillow. But so do the corpses of your enemies.

A smile is worth a thousand words. But for some people’s smiles, those are all words of warning.

Life is more than just surviving. That’s why we have refrigerators.

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